Fic: Holy Deadly Dessert! Superman/Batman, Supergirl/Batgirl. PG-13.
Fandom: Silver Age
Characters: Superman/Batman, Supergirl/Batgirl, Robin.
Prompt: 13. Fuck or die.
Word Count: 2000
Summary: Superman's caught in Kryptonite pudding! It's up to the Batfamily to rescue them!
Warning: I use the term "Dominoed Daredoll" twice in this fic.
Author's Notes: For the lovely genclay who drew me this gorgeous picture and asked for Batman/Superman; pudding. And I write this. Thanks to my wonderful, doomish beta julius12!
"You've laughed your last laugh, Joker!" Batman yelled.
The Joker cackled. "Oh, but Batman, I have so many boners yet to pull! How can I possibly be done now?"
"Holy trap door!" Robin shouted. "Watch out, Batman! He's going for some sort of secret lever!"
Batgirl opened her Bat-purse. "Oh no!" she said. "I used my last batarang on those thugs we had to fight to get in here! I can't stop him!"
Suddenly, a blue and red streak flew into the room and knocked the Joker unconscious.
"Superman!" Batman and Robin shouted.
"No, Supergirl!" Batgirl said as the streak resolved itself into the Maid of Might.
"Hello, Batgirl!" Supergirl said, smiling at the Dominoed Daredoll, "And hello, Robin and Batman! I wish I'd come just to see you, but I have terrible news!"
"What is it?" Batman asked. "Is it something we can help you with? We'd do anything to help a fellow hero!"
"Oh, I do hope so!" Supergirl said. "Lex Luthor has stolen forty cakes!"
"That's terrible!" Robin cried.
"Yes! Yes, it is!" Supergirl said. "But it gets worse."
"Worse?" Batgirl cried. "Worse than cake theft? I don't know if my tender feminine heart can take this!"
"I know, it's horrible!" Supergirl said. "Luthor used the cakes to create Kryptonite pudding!"
"Holy deadly dessert!" Robin said.
"And Superman fell into the pudding! He thought it was a present from the Metropolis Pudding Society!" Supergirl buried her head in her hands. "I wish I could save him, but Kryptonite makes me weak too!"
"But it was really a present from Luthor," Batman said, shaking his head sadly. "A deadly present."
"We can save him!" Robin said. "Right, Batman?"
"Of course!" Batman said. "To the Bat-copter, Robin!"
Supergirl flew over to Batgirl. "I can carry you there while the boys fly their Bat-copter," she said.
"Thank you, Supergirl! I only hope we get there in time!" Batgirl said.
Supergirl nodded gravely and flew away with Batgirl.
They arrived long before Batman and Robin. The Bat-copter is very fast, but the Maid of Might is faster still.
Superman was struggling valiantly, but it was clear the pudding was quickly sapping away his strength.
"Oh, Superman!" Batgirl said. "How hard it is for me to see you like this! Normally so strong, but so weak from this doomish dessert!"
"It might be hard for you to see me like this, but it's harder still for me to be like this!" Superman said. "Help me, Batgirl!"
Batgirl opened her Bat-purse and pulled out her acid Bat-lipstick. "This acid Bat-lipstick can burn away a lot of the pudding, but I'm afraid to get it too close to you! In your weakened state, the acid could kill you!"
"Getting rid of some of it would help," Superman said, "I only hope it won't be too late when Batman and Robin get here!"
Batgirl burned away as much of the pudding as she could, leaving Superman in a significantly smaller amount of pudding.
"You could get rid of more of it!" Superman said. "There's still a lot that isn't near me!"
"No, it isn't that!" Batgirl said. "I'm out! I forgot to get more acid Bat-lipstick!"
"Oh no!" Superman said. "Then I am surely doomed!"
"No you're not!" Supergirl said. "Look! It's the Bat-copter! Batman and Robin are here!"
"Oh, wonderful!" Batgirl said. "Superman is saved!"
The Man of Steel, the Maid of Might, and the Dominoed Daredoll watched as the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder climbed out of the Bat-copter.
"We're here," Batman said. "How can we help?"
"Batman!" Superman said. "Batgirl tried to burn away the pudding but she ran out of acid Bat-lipstick! Now we have no other way to get me out!"
"That is indeed a problem," Batman said. "The acid Bat-lipstick was exactly what I would have suggested."
"Holy edible trap!" Robin said. "I have an idea!"
"What is it, Robin?" Batman asked.
"We could eat him out!" Robin said.
"Brilliant!" Batman said, pulling three Bat-spoons from his utility belt. "Superman, we'll have you out in no time!"
"Oh, not me!" Batgirl said. "I can't eat all that pudding! I have to watch my figure!"
"Of course, Batgirl," Batman said. "Being a woman, you have to be careful about that sort of thing. Robin and I will handle this one. Here, hold this spoon for me." He handed Batgirl one of the spoons and gave Robin another. "Come on, Robin! Let's rescue Superman!"
Batgirl watched Batman and Robin eating the pudding off of Superman.
"I wish I could be more help," she said to Supergirl. "Just waiting like this makes me so anxious!"
"I know!" Supergirl said. "I hate feeling helpless." Suddenly a trapdoor opened beneath them and they both fell into another, smaller vat of Kryptonite pudding.
"Oh no!" Batgirl said. "It was a trap!"
"Batman! Robin! Help!" Supergirl said.
But Batman and Robin were too busy freeing Superman to hear.
"There's only one thing to do," Batgirl said. She pulled out her spoon. "I will eat us out of here, although it might completely destroy my figure!"
"You are so brave," Supergirl said. "Luckily, it's a much smaller vat of pudding. "
Batgirl nodded and started eating.
It wasn't long until Superman and Supergirl were both free from the pudding.
"I don't understand!" Robin said. "They're free from the pudding! Why are they still weak?"
"It's because the pudding has soaked through our costumes," Superman said. "No spoon can help us now!"
"No," Batman said. "There is only one solution to this. We have to take your clothes off and lick you clean. Batgirl, you help Supergirl. I'll help Superman."
"What about me?" Robin asked.
"Sorry, Robin," Batman said. "You'll have to sit this one out. Licking someone clean is a difficult task, and not one that can be handled by two people."
Robin nodded. "Of course, sir. I'll just wait at the Bat-copter."
"I'm going to take Supergirl too a more private place," Batgirl said. "A lady needs her privacy!"
"Thank you, Batgirl," Supergirl said.
"Of course," Batgirl said, picking her up.
She carried her into a supply closet and helped Supergirl take off her costume.
"It's so kind of you to do this, Batgirl," Supergirl said. "You know how weak Kryptonite makes me. Why, without you to protect me, I'd be completely helpless!"
"It's a good thing you have me then," Batgirl said as she carefully went over every bit of Supergirl with her tongue. She didn't want to miss a bit of the Kryptonite pudding! Even a miniscule amount could kill Supergirl.
Meanwhile, Batman was cleaning Superman off just as thoroughly.
"Gee, thanks for doing this, Batman," Superman said, "But there's more of me to cover than just my chest! Do you think you could hurry up?"
"You have a very large, manly chest," Batman said. "It takes a long time."
Superman nodded. Batman had made a good point. He did have a large and manly chest.
"That tickles a little," Superman said. "But it feels good too. Getting off all of the Kryptonite pudding feels terrific!"
"It's actually a very delicious pudding," Batman said. "If it weren't so deadly, I'd enjoy this!"
"Oh, yes, the deadliness definitely makes it less enjoyable," Superman agreed.
Batman continued to lick downward.
"Hold still!" Batman chided. "I'm trying to get it all off!"
"Sorry," Superman said. "It just feels really, really good."
Robin sat in the Bat-copter, staring at the console grumpily. Why couldn't he help lick pudding off of Superman? Or Supergirl? Either one would be more fun than just sitting here!
He figured he might as well make sure he had enough of everything in his utility belt.
He counted his batarangs. They were all there. Then he went through his smoke bombs, Bat-lie detectors, and Bat-cuffs.
He had all of the bat-snacks he could want, though he wasn't hungry thanks to all the pudding he'd eaten earlier.
He also had a full pack of Bat-pudding dissolving wipes.
Wait a second.
He'd known he'd had Bat-pudding dissolving wipes! Batman and Batgirl had them too! They were reserved for just such a case as this!
But none of them had thought of it.
Robin sat up straight in the Bat-copter.
"Holy magical mischief!" he said. "It wasn't Luthor who made that pudding!"
Supergirl wiggled her toes as Batgirl cleaned the last of the pudding off of her.
"Thank you!" she said. "I feel good as new now! Better, even! You really did a good job licking me!"
"It was no problem," Batgirl said. "I'm just glad you're all clean now!"
"Me too," Supergirl said. "But oh! You're still covered in pudding! Let me help."
"Supergirl, no!" Batgirl shouted as Supergirl licked some from her neck.
"Oh!" Supergirl said. "I forgot that it was Kryptonite pudding! Oh no, Batgirl! What should I do?"
Batgirl grabbed Supergirl's head and brought their mouths together. With no time to waste, she pushed her tongue into Supergirl's mouth and wiped all traces of the pudding out. She did this a few times. There was far too much danger to leave the possibility of Kryptonite in Supergirl's body!
"Oh, thank you, Batgirl!" Supergirl said. "You saved me again!"
"It was nothing," Batgirl said, smiling at her friend. "I know you would have done the same for me!"
"Of course," Supergirl said. "Now, I should get dressed so we can rejoin the boys."
"Good idea!" Batgirl said. "Here, I'll spray them with my Bat-spray-and-wash to get the last traces of Kryptonite out of it."
"Thank you!" Supergirl said again.
"Ah," Superman said. "I feel so much better now that all that Kryptonite is off of me."
Batman nodded and downed some Bat-mouthwash. "I could go over you again. Just to be sure."
Superman nodded gravely. "Perhaps it would be for the best."
But before Batman could lick any remaining traces of pudding off of Superman, Robin leaped from the Bat-copter.
"Batman! Superman! Batgirl! Supergirl!" he shouted. "I've figured it out!"
Superman hurriedly covered himself with his cape. "What is it, Robin?"
But Robin wasn't looking at them. "Mr. Mxyzptlk, I know you're there! Show yourself!"
They heard a high pitched giggle and suddenly the fifth-dimensional imp popped out in front of them.
"So you saw through my little trick! Very clever, Boy Wonder!" he said. "But there's nothing you can do now! The only way to get me to leave is to make me say my name backwards! And I'm never gonna do that! Nope!"
"Which reminds me," Robin said. "I've never actually heard it said backwards. How do you pronounce it?"
Mxyzptlk smirked. "It's easy if you have fifth-dimensional jaws!"
"How do you say it?" Robin asked again.
"Kltpzyxm…oh, drat!" Mxyzptlk vanished in a puff, along with all of the kryptonite pudding.
"Good job, old chum!" Batman said. "But how did you figure it out?"
"Look in your utility belt, Batman!" Robin said. "We all forgot about the Bat-pudding dissolving wipes! We would normally never forget about something as important as those in a situation like this!"
"Golly," Superman said. "Those would have been useful."
Supergirl and Batgirl emerged from the secluded area that they had been in. "Still," Supergirl said. "I'm glad I can count on Batgirl to do anything necessary to save me."
"Oh, definitely," Superman said. "But good to know there's an alternative for next time!"
"Batman," Batgirl said. "Do you think I could take the rest of the evening off? Supergirl was going to eat dinner with me."
"I don't see why not," Batman said. "Superman, would you like to accompany me and Robin to dinner in the mansion?"
"Okay," Superman said. "But what are we having?"
"I can tell you one thing!" Robin said. "If Alfred makes pudding, I might scream!"