Characters: Cable/Deadpool, Weasel, Irene Merryweather.
Word Count: 800
Summary: Some writers have no sense of good timing.
Author's Notes: Woah, Marvel fic! Warnings for wall-breaking. Also, in honor of the fact that it's a Cable/Deadpool fic, Deadpool will be answering your comments.
The most annoying thing about fanfiction, Wade decided, was that the feebs who wrote it always overused the fourth wall breaking thing. Sure, it was funny, but it lost its comedic value with overuse.
Not that he minded. Poor writing and misuse of the fourth wall aside, fanfiction got him laid. Sure, he'd fantasized about everyone from Bea Arthur to Tobey Maguire in the comics, but those poor souls who lacked lives of their own and instead lived vicariously through same-sex couples of the opposite gender got him laid.
He was still waiting for someone to write a Deadpool/Mary-Kate/Ashley fic, though. Why did no one write Deadpool/Mary-Kate/Ashley?
This particular fic is no different.
"But...why did you get me a Squirrel Girl action figure?" Wade said. "I hate Squirrel Girl!"
"I thought it was cute!" Weasel said.
"You just hate her because she beat you," Nate said, plucking the action figure from Wade's hand. "It is cute, Weasel. And if Wade doesn't want your Christmas present, he can have mine."
"Oooh, what is it?" Wade said. "Is it another Liefield gun? I love those things. They're huge."
"Here," Nate said, tossing Wade a small package.
"It doesn't feel like a gun," Wade said, unwrapping it.
"Massage oil," Wade said, rolling his eyes. "Well, at-sign-number-sign-percent-ampersand you."
"What?" Nate said.
"Yeah, you heard me!" Wade said mulishly. "I went there!"
Weasel and Nate exchanged a look.
"Right," Nate said. "Merry Christmas."
"It's Easter Sunday!" Wade said.
Weasel and Nate looked at him.
"...never mind," Wade said. "This story's poorly timed."
There was a moment of awkward silence.
"Oh!" Wade said, snapping his fingers. "This is when we start having wildly passionate sex!"
Weasel and Nate gave him another look.
Wade wilted. "I forgot, it's PG-13."
"You're losing it again," Weasel said.
"Shaddup," Wade said.
"Nate?" The three of them turned around.
"Irene Merryweather!" Wade said, "You came all this way just to see me? Now is it time for the wildly passionate sex?"
"I said Nate, Deadpool! Why are you here?" Irene said.
"Because I heard you'd be coming, my darling!" Wade said gleefully.
Irene ground her teeth. "Nate, we're short on candy canes for the Providence Christmas party. Which you probably should be there."
"I've got extra Easter Eggs!" Wade said, presenting Irene with one.
"Why would I want Easter Eggs? It's Christmas!" Irene said.
Nate stepped in front of Wade and smiled at Irene. "We'll be down in a bit," he promised.
"Thanks," Irene said. She aimed a final glare at Wade and walked away.
Wade grinned. "She totally wants me."
"You annoy her," Nate said.
"I annoy everyone," Wade said.
"Not me," Nate said.
"Guys?" Weasel said. "Party?"
"Go ahead, Weaz, we're about to have wildly passionate sex. Without you," Wade said.
"No we're not," Nate said, "but we'll meet you down there."
Weasel looked between the two of them, then walked quickly out of the room.
"Okay, what?" Wade said.
"You don't annoy me," Nate said.
"Nope," Nate said.
"Not even when I call you boring?"
"How about when I call you Priscilla? Or won't let you answer letters? Or keep talking on and on even when it's pretty clear I should just shut up – "
"Okay, you can be a little annoying," Nate admitted. "But it doesn't bother me."
"Do I have to try harder?" Wade said.
Nate rolled his eye. "No, Wade, that's not what I'm saying." He turned towards the door. "Come on, let's go to the party." He started walking.
Wade stood still for a moment. He grabbed his Easter Egg and rushed after Nate.
"Okay, wait," he said as he caught up to Nate. "You're telling me that you don't mind that I'm annoying?"
"Yes, Wade," Nate said.
"So you like me?"
"I thought you knew that."
"Wait a minute," Wade said, stepping in front of Nate. He pulled off his mask and dropped it on the ground. Then he held the egg over his head.
Nate stared at him for a moment. "What are you doing, Wade?" he said.
Wade glared at him. "Look, I don't have any mistletoe, okay? Just kiss me, you many-named idiot."
"What a way with words you have," Nate said dryly.
"Kiss me or I'll smash this egg in your face."
Nate smiled a little and kissed Wade gently on the lips. Wade tossed the egg to the side, not caring that it smashed onto the wall and oh, that's why people normally hardboiled the eggs or whatever they do, but that didn't matter. He wrapped his hands around Nate's neck and kissed him back.
They finally pulled apart, and smiled at each other.
"Okay, so now can we get to the wildly passionate sex?" Wade said.